Girls and Women Are Suddenly Asking Themselves, Could I Have Autism? Why Signs of Neurodivergence are Overlooked in Females
“If you know one autistic person, you know one autistic person,” says Stephen Shore, Ed.D., president emeritus of the Asperger’s Association of New England, and advisory board member of the Autism Society.
For many women, discovering they are autistic doesn’t come in childhood. For decades, autism has been viewed through a narrow lens, one shaped largely by how it presents in boys. As a result, many women have grown up without understanding why life has always felt just a bit harder: why social interactions are exhausting, why routines are comforting, and why certain sensory experiences feel overwhelming.
This is what many now call the “lost generation.” It’s all those women who grew up before we understood how autism could look in girls and women, and who slipped through the cracks of a diagnostic system built with boys in mind. This “lost generation” of autistic women often spent years wondering why life felt harder than it seemed for others and why socializing was exhausting, why sensory experiences felt overwhelming, or why certain routines brought so much comfort. But without a name or framework for these experiences, many internalized the message that something was simply wrong with them.
And their stories are finally coming to light.
Autism in Women Is Not Less Visible—It’s Differently Expressed
Autism has long been defined by patterns first observed in young boys: social differences, restricted interests, difficulty with change, and repetitive behaviors. But when autistic traits show up differently (quieter, more internal, masked behind high achievement or a people-pleasing persona), they’re often missed. Or misunderstood. Or misdiagnosed.
Instead of receiving an autism diagnosis, many women have been told they’re anxious, depressed, overly sensitive, struggling with borderline personality disorder, or “just too much.” And while some of these diagnoses may capture aspects of experience, they often miss the deeper, neurodevelopmental nature of what’s really going on. Even the CDC indicates that autism is underdiagnosed in females and often identified later in life. Current prevalence estimates suggest a ratio of about 4:1 (boys to girls), but many experts believe the real numbers are closer to 2:1, or even equal, once diagnostic bias is addressed.
When you’re autistic and don’t know it, you can spend years trying to change things about yourself that were never meant to be “fixed,” they just needed understanding.
What Masking Costs
Girls and women on the autism spectrum are often adept at what’s called masking: suppressing natural behaviors to fit in. That might mean copying how others speak, forcing eye contact, learning social scripts, or hiding sensory sensitivities. Masking can be a survival strategy in a world that doesn’t make space for neurodivergence, but it comes at a cost. Chronic masking often leads to burnout, exhaustion, identity confusion, and even trauma. Many autistic women describe feeling like they’ve lived most of their lives in performance mode, unsure who they really are beneath all the adaptations. The toll isn’t just emotional, it’s physiological too. We see higher rates of chronic illness, anxiety, and autoimmune conditions in late-diagnosed autistic women. Living in a constant state of nervous system hypervigilance has real effects on the body.
Why Diagnosis Matters, Even Later in Life
A late autism diagnosis is not “too late.” For many women, it’s life-changing. It allows them to reframe their past with compassion, understand themselves more clearly, and begin the work of unmasking in ways that feel safe and self-directed.
Diagnosis can also make space for real grief: for the years spent misunderstanding oneself, for the energy lost to masking, for the support that was never offered. And with that grief comes the possibility of healing. When women have language for their experience, they’re more empowered to ask for accommodations, advocate for their needs, and make decisions that honor their nervous systems rather than override them.
This “lost generation” of autistic women often spent years wondering why life felt harder than it seemed for others, why socializing was exhausting, why sensory experiences felt overwhelming, or why certain routines brought so much comfort. But without a name or framework for these experiences, many internalized the message that something was simply wrong with them.
Today, we know better. And understanding the unique presentation of autism in women is not just important, it’s essential for mental health care.
9 Common Signs of Autistic Women
While every individual is different, here are some traits and patterns often reported by late-diagnosed autistic women:
Deep internal world – A rich inner life, often filled with reflection, imagination, and emotional depth. You may spend a lot of time thinking, analyzing, or creating mental patterns to make sense of life.
Intense, focused interests – A strong pull toward specific passions or areas of knowledge that bring joy, regulation, or a sense of purpose. These interests may be lifelong or shift over time.
Masking in social situations – Carefully performing social roles, mimicking others, or scripting conversations to blend in. This can lead to exhaustion or a feeling of not being truly known.
Chronic exhaustion or burnout – Feeling depleted after sustained social, sensory, or emotional effort. This often arises from years of masking or pushing through environments not designed with neurodivergent needs in mind.
Sensitivity to sensory input – Being easily overwhelmed by noise, bright lights, smells, or certain textures. These sensitivities aren’t overreactions, they reflect a finely tuned sensory system.
Feeling “different” despite appearing to cope – You may have learned how to “do life” well on the surface, but always felt a disconnect underneath, like you’re working harder than others just to stay afloat.
Relational challenges rooted in misattunement – Struggling with friendship, romantic, or workplace dynamics, not due to a lack of care, but from being consistently misunderstood, overextending, or not having your communication style reciprocated.
Difficulty with unspoken rules or expectations – Discomfort with small talk, group dynamics, or unsaid social norms. You may prefer directness, clarity, and meaningful connection over surface-level interaction.
Emotional intensity and empathy – Experiencing strong emotional reactions and a deep sense of empathy for others’ pain or injustice. You may absorb the emotions of those around you without always realizing it.
These signs aren’t flaws or problems, they are part of what makes you. Through a neuroaffirming lens, they tell a story of sensitivity, creativity, and resilience.
Why a Diagnosis - Even Later in Life Can Be Transformative
For many women, discovering they are autistic feels like being handed the missing piece of a lifelong puzzle. It isn’t about receiving a label, it’s about gaining clarity. A diagnosis can bring profound relief, helping reframe a personal history of struggle, sensitivity, and survival as something valid and coherent, rather than broken or wrong.
Importantly, diagnosis doesn’t fix what’s “wrong.” It offers an invitation to understand what’s right, what’s true about how your mind and body have always worked. It’s a chance to unmask, to rest, and to rebuild a life around your natural ways of being.
You Deserve to Be Seen
If any of this resonates with you or if you’ve been quietly wondering whether autism could be part of your story please know this: there is nothing wrong with needing clarity, comfort, or space to understand yourself better.
Therapy can be a safe place to explore the possibility of neurodivergence, reflect on your experiences, and begin the journey of self-understanding. An autism assessment may be one step in this process, but it’s not the only one.
We’re here to listen, to support, and to help you reclaim your story with compassion. Reach out to learn more about working with us.